H came home from school today and told me that her friend (I am changing her real name) Crystal's dad stole a police car and that he got arrested. I asked her how she knew that and she said that Crystal told her whole class. This girl calls my house all of the time wanting to play with H (H gave out our phone number to all 24 of her friends--good times). I always tell H no because I don't know her parents. I am REALLY glad that I told her no now!! I didn't even know what to say to H after that. I don't want her to be mean to the girl--she's only 6 for heaven's sake. I am just at a loss. What do you think?
51 comments:
I think just not letting her go over there is good enough. Maybe you could invite her to come over to your house and spend time with good examples of what a family could be would be helpful to her!
I agree with THe boob nazi.. Let her come to your house. But then what happens when her friend wants her to come there? Tough decisions. Let us know what you tell her
Liz
You're right - I'm glad you didn't let her go over either. But I think this little 6 year old is going to need some friends and support. If your daughter likes her, invite her over to your house like Boob Nazi said. (Boob Nazi - it just rolls off your tongue, doesn't it?)
I echo what everyone else has said. It's great that you didn't let your daughter go to her house, but it definitely couldn't hurt for that little 6 year old to have some positive guidance by coming to your house and gaining some positive family morals.
Great advice from Boob Nazi! How sad for that little girl to have to live with that:(
I totally agree with Julie. How sad!
Are you certain this little girl didn't make up that story? They're at an age when they do that kind of thing.
When my oldest was 6, she told her friends that she was having heart surgery. Never happened.
That's just crazy! I agree with everyone else. Let this little girl come over to your house to play. I always feel bad for kids like this. They need a positive influence!
I agree with BN. Be the change.
Invite her over. She might need a safe place to land.
Make sure the story is true. My daughter told lots of stories. One that sent another child home in tears!
If it is true. The mother may also need a friend. But that little 6 year old could use a good distraction at a safe house. She'll be judged the rest of her life for things her parents do, it'll be nice for her to feel like she has a friend in spite of her parent's choices.
You are doing great! If I haven't met (or at least seen) parents I encourage my kids to play at our house. I have big issues with this.
My son told me last week that a girl in his class told him her dad is in jail for trying to choke her older sister. Yike!!! What are you hearing at school??? (This is a whole different post!)
I would first verify that the story is true (if you haven't already), and then if it is, definitely don't let H play there. I do agree that it would be fine if you have her over to your house (and supervise the play date). Crazy stuff!
FYI--the story is true. I just researched it and found the news coverage. And apparently this is NOT the first time he has been arrested for stealing cars!!
Is Kristina sad that she agrees with me or that the situation is sad? hahaha
Yeah, just don't let her go over there.
But jeese, a cop car? Of all the freaking cars to steal.
That's just stupid.
Another good reason not to let your kids play with other kids unless you know their parents. Good job mom! If H really wants to play with this little girl, I am sure you two moms can set something up. Yikes.
That is a VERY tough situation to be in. I agree with the first comment...encourage your daughter to invite her friend to your house. And if your daughter starts to question why she is not allowed at the friends house, I would continue with the "I don't know her parents" routine, coupled with making your home inviting enough that the friend will prefer being at your house...
Invite her to YOUR house. You could be a little slice of normal in her poor chaotic life. So sad.
Yikes! Maybe that girl is making it up? I hope!
I am going to dissent. At the risk of being the mean lady on the block I say DO NOT have the child in your home at this time. Don't discourage an at school relationship, but there are going to be enormous issues that you could quite unwittingly find yourself and your family in the middle of. I promise, your family does not need the influence of the issues that family is clearly going to be dealing with. I know she's only 6 and its not her fault that her father made this choice, but ur gutwas right and you need to stick with your gut. There is a reason you felt uncomfortable andthere is no amount of doing good that is going to change the fact that your initial impression was to not get involved with this child or her family.
Wow! How exciting to have a criminal in our neighborhood. I am, of course, being fecetious (and don't check my spelling on that word). I agree that the only thing that can be done is to be a good example (all of you) and supportive friends. I can't imagine how difficult and confusing a situation like this would be for a 6 year old. She will need people to be her friend, not shun her.
Wow!!
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Wow. I think that not letting her go over there is for sure a good idea. Maybe let her come over to your house if the mom is involved and isn't crazy too? Otherwise, oh geez I dunno. Tough situation that little girl has at home I'm sure...
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Wow! That is a tough one!
If it's true...
I have a little experience with having to discontinue a friendship. What I did was to make it just about impossible for them to spend any time together. Every time a request to play was made, I always had a legitimate excuse why she couldn't go, such as we're all going to a movie, we're going to Grandma's, it's family night, whatever you want to say. I never lied though. I always just had an alternative plan that would prevent whatever she was asking for from happening. She never knew what I was up to and it didn't take long for the friendship to fall off. The girl moved on to somebody else who would play with her. I'm not saying for sure that it would work in your case but she's little enough that you could still do this and not even have to go into a big long lecture that she may not understand.
Ok, sorry for the book.
AGAIN--FYI--THIS REALLY HAPPENED. I RESEARCHED IT ON A LOCAL NEWS WEBSITE. I THOUGHT I REMEMBERED HEARING ON THE NEWS BUT I WASN'T POSITIVE. SO I LOOKED IT UP AND IT IS TRUE. AND THIS, UNFORTUNATLY, WAS NOT THE FIRST TIME HE DID IT.
Jillene, my kids all came from families like that kid's (for example, all of my kids birthdads have spent time in jail or prison). Before we adopted them, they didn't have any stability in their lives. Just being able to go to a friend's house would have meant a lot to any of them. Your kids are going to play together at school anyway and if the kid is nearby and you wouldn't have to interact with the parents much, if at all, I would say invite the kid over. Just avoid dad like the plague if you want to keep your car ;)
I agree that you should invite her over to your house to play. I was alienated b/c of choices members of my family made...and it makes you miserable. Being able to go to my friend's house, and be in a safe, welcoming environment meant the world to me...and made a big difference in my choices.
Oh boy. Yeah, keep the playdates at your house....
I agree with everyone else, keep the playdates at your house. If the mother won't let her come because they don't know you, go introduce yourself, or schedule a mother-daughter playdate. Maybe the mother is in just as much need of a friend as the daughter is.
This poor girl. I feel so badly for her.
You are right, she is only six and she can't be held accountable for her parent's mistakes.
If your daughter wants to play with her maybe start with a short play at your house. (say 2hrs). You will be able to get a feel about her, and if you want your daughter playing with her.
Again, hardest job in the world is parenting!!
I just can't say what I would do. I think I'll reach out for advice when these things happen for me. So I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I hope you find peace in how to deal with this. Ugh, it's true. parenting DOES just keep getting harder!
I agree. How sad is that? That just breaks my heart. That stuff totally affects children. It would be great for her to have a good example. Just always use caution.
I have some personal experience with this one: My parent's used to have a similar situation with a girl and her family when I was growing up.
Her mom drank a lot and her dad was a druggie. My dad, who owned a local bar and restaurant had even had troubles with her dad in the past. So when me and their little girl (both of us were in Kindergarten) started to become friends they were not thrilled. They decided to just stay watchful, and as we got older they made sure to talk to me, about how I shouldn't let her pressure me into anything (which she never did - something that I can't say of some of my friends with more "respectable" parents), and that I should set a good example for her, etc.
Flash forward: She's the one friend who has always been there for me, and now we're roommates years later. She's a great girl who eventually earned my parent's trust and respect for not falling into the same traps that her parents did, and she is without a doubt one of the best friends I've ever had and has been for over thirteen years.
Just some food for thought, I think my parents made an excellent decision and were right not to judge her based soley on the sins of her family.
I forgot to add. I do agree with not letting her go over there. You don't want to take a chance of putting H in harms way.
Well how you deal with it is entirely up to you, she is your kid. I would not want Crystal to be treated any differently or not be a friend, personally, it is NOT her fault what her Dad did, but go over there? Get rides from even the Mom now? Not unless this man was out of their lives for ever and the Mom proved to be trustworthy!!
Jillene,
In response to your Ask A Dad question - does Good Cop, Bad Cop ever work? The answer is yes, as long as you convince yourself that it works. Because then, even if it doesn't work, it works.
Tyler (Ask A Dad)
There should be a way for you to check if the story is real. Hopefully she just has a good imagination.
Wow.. pretty scary stuff!! don't think I'd be sending my kid over there!
I think all play dates should be at your house. But maybe your family can be a good example for the poor child.
Glad you checked the story out. This little girl comes from a sad home environment. But I think it is always good to have the play dates at your home.
Whoa! A six-year old in your daughter's class stole a police car? What?!? I had to go back and read your profile. I thought you had a 6 year old, and not a 16 year old. Oh my goodness. Forget this girl. Even if you sweet daughter becomes the "mean girl" at least she will also be the "girl without a juvenile criminal record."
Positive thinking!
-Francesca
good parenting is NEVER easy or popular!!! stick with your gut and stick to your guns ( no pun intended LOL)
I have been the 'mean mom' on the block for years but I am use to it, my first priority is to my children and their safety, not being popular. Go momma!
I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR NOT WANTING HER TO GO OVER THERE....I FOUND YOUR BLOG THROUGH ANOTHER ONE....YOUR BLOG IS BEAUTIFUL
!!!
I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR NOT WANTING HER TO GO OVER THERE....I FOUND YOUR BLOG THROUGH ANOTHER ONE....YOUR BLOG IS BEAUTIFUL
!!!
That is a toughie. Looks like you got some good advice. Good luck! :)
Ashley-
Thanks for stopping by!!
If she still wants to play with her let the girl come to your house where you know what is going on and keep a close eye on things. I agree it isn't the girls fault she has scary parents.
I have to agree with Clan of the Cave bear... Stay away from them!
Having lived in an area where the majority of the kids came from families where 1 parent was in jail-- its just NOT something you want to mess with. Let her play with her at school. She's her "school friend" but do not encourage the relationship further... you wouldn't want them to become super chummy... because the values being taught in that home are clearly different than yours... if you foster this friendship, even at home under controlled circumstances, your daughter could and probably WILL be exposed to things that I think you would rather she not.
I know that sounds mean and cold hearted... but like I said, I've lived in an area where this is the norm... it is not your job to save this family. Nor should you try at the expense of your own. You have the ability right now to control the friends your children are making... help them make good choices in their friends... they have zero responsibility to be someones savior.
Just my two bits worth.
I don't let kids over here or my kids over there until I have met their parents. There was one boy in particular that R kept trying to play with. When I finally met the dad, I recognized the house as the one having all the trouble with drugs, alcohol and abuse. So glad I didn't let him go over there.
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